Hmmm…

Posted by kara

This weekend, Paul found some pictures that Toshi’s daycare gave us. I thought I had all the daycare pictures in her album, but I guess there were a couple of loose ones floating around our apartment. When I saw the pictures, I felt so much tenderness for the little Toshiko. Maybe it was nostalgia for a younger Toshi? But when I look at other pictures of younger Toshi, it didn’t feel like this. Instead I just think, “Oh, so tiny and so cute. I can’t believe how much she has changed.”

I kept looking at the pictures. After maybe the sixteeth time, I realized that I felt the urge to pick up this Toshi and shower her with attention. I wanted to rescue this Toshi. I remember that is how I felt almost every day. I’d run from work to her daycare to get there half a minute quicker.

I remember Paul saying that he thought these were awful pictures of Toshi because she looked so unhappy or roughed up or something. And at the time, I couldn’t quite see it like I see it now. I think I was still trying to make the best out of daycare.

I kept thinking of how smart and helpful her own teacher was. And when I would visit during the day, it usually was a good experience. Toshi made friends and there were very peaceful times.

But then when I would pick her up, it was other people watching Toshi and that was not a good experience. In the end, I don’t regret giving work and daycare a try. I think that under different circumstances, it would be better.

I am thankful that I get to spend more time with Toshi. I am so relieved that we don’t have to rush her around in the morning and drive home in rush hour traffic at the end of a long day for her. I love that I can hold her and hug her and kiss her all day long so that she knows how loved she is.