The mother of all decisions

Posted by kara

Okay, so that is a bit dramatic for a title. But I’ve decided to keep it real and post about something that I’ve been going through for the past couple of months. It’s about breastfeeding, so only read on if you are interested…

I started to feel pain after breastfeeding in mid-April. During the weekend, it became so painful that the only way for me to cope was to lay down and try to sleep through it. This would render me useless for the morning. That next Monday, I went to see my doctor’s nurse practitioner. She said maybe it was the onset of mastitis. She said we could either go the Eastern way and take vitamin C and put hot compresses on it or we could go the Western way and take antibiotics. I opted for the quicker drugs. Still, a few days later and it was painful as heck. I told Paul that it was worse than labor pains. Not sure he believed me.

The next weekend it was incredibly horrible. I can’t express how much it hurt. It was so bad that Paul drove me to the emergency room. We had one of our longest days. Paul was trying to keep Toshi happy while I was getting examined by 4 different doctors and a radiologist. They determined that it wasn’t cancer (phew) and that it was an infection. Pretty vague. They gave me some wonderful painkillers and a new antibiotic to try. They said to check in with my doctor.

Basically, over the next 4 weeks, I called my doctor multiple times, and saw a couple of her colleagues. I was prescribed a new medication and an ointment that seemed to kind of work. Still, the pain was pretty bad. I tried to save my painkillers for only the times I felt like I was going to die. Even after two vicodin I could still feel dull pain. It got to the point where I just felt depressed because the pain was eminent and it felt hopeless. No one knew what was wrong. I felt worn down from being in pain and seeing the doctor all the time. (This is also when I decided to quit my job.) Finally my doctor said that they’ve done everything they know of, so she referred me to a lactation consultant.

The lactation consultant was smart and helpful. She thought it was a lazy latch and a pinched nerve, so she gave me some pointers. I felt like it lessened the pain and I hoped that it was a sign of the end of it all.

Nope. It still hurt. I decided to try one more doctor. I made an appointment with a dermatologist who had a lot of experience with breastfeeding mothers. However, she couldn’t get me in until June 11th. This was nearly 2 months after the initial pain. I figured out ways of avoiding the major pain by either feeding her from one side or pumping and bottle feeding her. Either way, I still felt pain.

This was when I made the mother of all decisions: I decided to wean. At first, I felt pretty horrible about it and cried when Toshi would stare at me in the eyes while I was feeding her formula. I felt like she was thinking that I didn’t love her enough or that she missed breastfeeding.

When I was pregnant, I didn’t really care about breastfeeding. It seemed weird… but I was willing to do what everyone told me was the best for the baby. So I toughed out those first 3 weeks of horrible discomfort. And after a while, it was actually enjoyable. Breastfeeding Toshi was one way I could get her to stop crying and soothe her. It was fun to have that power of calm.

Once I started to wean, I was surprised that I felt sad. I felt like it was the end of an era. You know? She is growing up! My baby is moving on to formula and solids.  I am starting to get why my mom cried so much when I was getting ready to leave for college. I thought she was crying because she was going to miss me, but now I think it’s because it was the end of an era. Another step in growing up.

Anyway, I went to see the dermatologist. She took one look at me and started to tell me it was definitely a bacterial infection and this and that. Finally– someone who actually knew something. She sent me on my way with more antibiotics. I got lab results back that said it was not a bacterial infection, but that could be the properties of the milk killing off the bacteria before it got to the lab. So I still don’t know what is wrong. But I’m weaning, so it will come to an end eventually.

Me and my girl.