On Father’s Day

Posted by paul

When Toshi was born, I cried. Not the “Ahem, it’s a bit dusty in here, I think I have something in my eyes” cry, but a full-blown, blubbering cry. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold Toshi, and I had to say no at first – I was too much of a mess to be trusted with anything important or breakable at that point. Eventually, of course, I pulled it together and did indeed hold Toshi. It was a reaction to a number of different things; 9 months of confusion/worry/curiousity coming to a head, the end of an old life (Kara and I’s), and the beginning of a new one, (mine, Kara’s, and Toshi’s). Pretty heavy stuff no matter who you are.

A number of my non-baby friends are considering having children, and are worried about what exactly that impact will be on their life. They like going out when they want. They like buying what they want when they want. They like waking up when they want, going to bed when they want, and generally doing everything on their terms. They ask if they’re still going to be able to do that stuff. Weeeeellllll…..

Being a dad doesn’t mean you have to give up your life and move to the suburbs and buy a riding lawnmower and minivan. But it does mean you’re responsible for something. And it is a greater responsibility then anything you’ve had to do in your life, and anything you will ever do in your life. You are suddenly responsible for not only keeping alive something utterly helpless, but also for starting to teach them, make sure that they are growing up ‘right’. Sure, it starts out with the easy stuff, like not putting fingers into light sockets, but then they start to get into the grey area questions. Right from wrong, moral from immoral, I barely know those myself. Now I’m supposed to teach those to someone else?

Shouldn’t you have to pass a test or something before you can become a parent? Kara and I are constantly making things up as we go along – turns out there is no all-in-one guidebook on raising children. Who knew? Like, just how long should you let a baby cry before you go rock them back to sleep? When should you help them if they’re struggling, and when should you let them figure it out for themselves? Or, more topically, if your daughter is sick in the morning, says she’s fine and is running around in the afternoon, should you take her to an evening birthday party? (Protip: No, she’ll barf as soon as you walk in the door). I guess the best guide I’ve gotten is from my parents; they must have had some secret hint sheet stashed away, because their kids all turned out alright. Or maybe they were just winging it to. Hey, wait a minute…..

Anyway, happy father’s day to my dad, (and any other dad out there). I thought I should close with a quote, because it is the shortest summary of fatherhood I can think of whenever people ask. “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think the room is getting a bit dusty.

Toshi, Martha and their dad