Grandma Toshi

Posted by kara

I wrote a bunch of thoughts and a summary of events surrounding my Grandma’s passing. Here is an abridged (but still long) version:

Well, the month of June has just passed on by. I was pretty down the first week of June. I cried a lot, made the girls give me lots of hugs, and just lay around sometimes, unable to do anything. I felt like I didn’t care about doing anything. I still did them, but they almost angered me because I felt like they were so completely unimportant in the face of my grandma’s death. I drove around and ran errands with my heart feeling like lead.

Night was a hard time. I stayed up really late so I would crash as soon as I lay down. Otherwise, I’d just cry in bed and not be able to sleep. This defense mechanism meant I’d be really tired and cranky the next day–a small price to pay to avoid the night hours.

My friends reached out. I love them and I know that they are there for me. Paul was a huge support. He let me be sad and also tried to lift me up. I emailed and messaged Amy a few times. We shared our sadness and our comforting thoughts. It was nice having someone in the same position as me. I like that we grew up with our grandparents at the head of the family, our parents next, and alongside our siblings and cousins.

My parents came to visit, as planned, on June 6th. It was good to see them, and I think my parents liked being around the girls. Sometimes we teared up, but not very much. It felt like we were holding off until the funeral. We attended my cousin Katie’s graduation ceremony and party. It was nice. Then the girls and I flew back to Ohio with my parents on Sunday June 10th.

When we loaded up the car at the Detroit airport, it was hot and muggy. On the ride home, I felt such dread. I kept remembering that my grandma would not be there to greet us. The house would be empty.

When we arrived at the house, the sky was dark and starry. Toshi got to see lots of stars. I could finally pick out the big dipper on my own since it was so bright. We headed inside. I think Toshi wanted something in my grandma’s room. So I went in there with my mom and Toshi. It was sooner than I would have gone in, but it was okay. Her furniture was arranged differently and a lot of her things were gone. It looked very unlived in. It was almost fine because it didn’t look like her suite anymore.

Still, the quiet room was hard to take at times. I remember holding Marfy outside of Grandma’s living room and just crying because she wasn’t sitting in her chair. This whole time, I just wanted to give Grandma one more hug. Whenever I saw her picture, I wanted to hug the picture tightly. She is my dear grandma.

The house was cleaned and prepared for 20 guests. Food was brought over from many of my mom’s friends. The freezer and fridge were packed with casseroles, coffee cakes, breads, soups, sweets, fruit and deli sandwiches.

A couple of days later, everyone started arriving. Uncle Sumi shared many interesting stories of his life. I got to know Auntie Kiyo Anne better (definitely a highlight of this visit). Frank, Aunt Janet, Jim, my brother Paul, Uncle Bill, Aunt Karen, and Katie arrived. The next day everyone else came in: Amy, Pete, Liam, Henry, Doug, Ryan, Matthew, Auntie Haru, Charlie, Sherry, Linda, Roger, Grace, Robert, Nancy, Janice, David, Molly, Gus, Penelope, Paul, Kenny and Dana.

There was lots of laughter, lots of talking, and lots of eating.

The funeral was on Thursday, June 14th. We gathered at the cemetery. I saw the box of ashes, but I kept thinking that it wasn’t her. I knew it was her body’s ashes, but it wasn’t her. She is so alive in my mind. Then I saw my Auntie Haru cry, and that is enough to make anyone cry. Auntie Haru and Grandma acted like little girls when they were together. They were little sisters that went through everything together. Seeing Auntie Haru cry made it real. “Poor Toshi,” I think I heard her say. After a lot of crying, we went to the church for the greeting, service, and reception.

Rev. Joycelyn did a nice homily. My mom and Aunt Janet went up to talk about her, and that felt exactly like my grandma. They shared memories and talked a little about her. It was funny, sad, and overall good for the soul. Amy and Brian shared memories. Uncle Sumi talked for a while; it was funny and also sweet. One of the nurses from dialysis talked and it was really touching how much she missed my grandma.

I felt like I didn’t get all my sadness out. I thought I’d feel better after the funeral and long visit. However, when I got back to Seattle and walked back in the front door, I felt like I picked up right where I left off.

Amy said it would be good to share our memories of Grandma. I thought I didn’t really have any. I don’t have any specific memories, just general, growing up memories.

A lot of my memories are from their old condo on Newcastle. I can still picture so much of their condo. We kids would explore their rooms, and make everything into a toy. We’d try to ride Grandpa’s tall exercise bike, but it wasn’t really fun. We would pretend to shine our shoes on his shoe buffer. We’d pull out the plastic toy bowling ball set and play it in the hall. In the family room, the adults would be watching Jeopardy, so we’d try to play on the exercise rowing machine.

The kitchen was tiny. Even as a little girl, I felt it was tiny. Their fridge was always packed and it always had ginger ale in it.

We would only use the dining room table on New Year’s Day. It was the best–my favorite Grandma Toshi childhood memory. Even as a teen, I knew it was important to wake up early and get to that table on New Year’s Day. We’d sit around the table and my grandma would serve us our delicious good luck soup. I think I’d try to get two mochi. I would choke down a good luck bean (which I now find delicious), and eat some chashu, kamaboko, futomaki, brown bags, whatever else she made that was so homey and good. I never really liked futomaki. I always thought there were better rolls my grandma could have made. But after a while, futomaki became endearing to me, because it reminded me of my grandma.

I think one of my favorite parts of visiting my grandparents was when we’d walked out of the building door, balance on the landscaping wall, get in the car, and look out the window to see my grandparents standing in the doorway, waving at us. Even in the cold winter nights, they stood there, smiling and waving. We’d run to the car and get in fast so they wouldn’t have to stand there long. (My mom’s idea for sure.) I can especially picture my grandpa standing there waving.

One of my strongest memories of Grandma is her walking into our Tamworth house. She’d come in through the garage, announce, “Yoohoo!” and step up into the kitchen with an “Oisho.” The other way I picture my grandma is her making a face. Either rolling her eyes with a frown pulled to one side or batting her eyes with pursed lips. She was funny.

She also always wore lipstick. Bright colors that looked good on her. And we’d always tease Grandma about her dyed hair. She dyed it for a really long time. So much so, that it was sometimes an off brown or red. I couldn’t believe it when I finally saw her with white hair. I think it was sometime in her 90s. Of course, she looked great. Grandma could pull off just about anything and look beautiful.

Many times my grandma said how thankful she was that my parents took care of her and lived with her. She appreciated my dad’s help managing her finances. She said that she never wanted to be a burden on them, and I always told her that she was never a burden–my parents were so happy they could do things for her. I think she knew because she would never have allowed it otherwise.

Some people tell me that I’m lucky to have had a grandma that lived to 94 and had such a wonderful life. I know that is true, but I can’t help but flat out miss my grandma. I don’t know how to describe the place she held in our hearts. I think all the grandkids cherished her. She was our little Grandma Toshi–funny, full of spunk and brimming with talent and achievement. She was so important to our family and we all knew it.

I have really struggled with her death. I’m pretty sure I could cry for months, maybe even years. I feel like I haven’t been able to really be a part of life. I’ve fallen behind on being in touch with my friends. I’ve put any kind of work on hold. I’ve had this clouding my head. Now I’m more at peace with her death. Or at least, I am on most days. I keep asking myself what her message is. I look at my life and wonder what I should be doing. From the way she lived her life, I hear the message of being strong and making the most of whatever it is you are doing. Don’t worry so much. Just live and be a little tough. So I’m going to try to toughen up and get back into life.